I started the week off with an ultrasound on Monday morning. Other than that, there's little to report. The results aren't back yet (it's Friday night/Saturday morning) so I go through the weekend with the same question mark hanging over my head that has been there for the past month. I have an appointment with a gastroenterologist in three weeks. Earliest I could get in. When the doctor's office called today I asked whether they'd be able to move my appointment up if there was a problem in the tests. They said yes, they'd do that.

The ultrasound was in a medical building that is less than a mile from my house. I walked to it and ran back. I feel fine. I'm a little tired, but I operate on five or six hours of sleep a night and abuse caffeine. That's to be expected. My wife has been saying I look tired for the past, oh, five years or so. She says it more often now. Nothing new. I have deep-set eyes and have always looked like I have circles under my eyes, even after nine hours of sleep.

What's driving me really crazy is the wondering what is a symptom. I'm aware of my abdomen. It rumbles. Is that my liver? I fart. Is that a symptom? I don't have any pain, but I'm uncomfortably aware of my right side. I've had a heat rash on my chest and a spot in the inside of my elbow since June or July. Heat rash isn't unusual -- I live in a hot place. But such things usually go away for me fairly quickly. This has been here for two months. Does that have something to do with this? I look at the color of my shit. It is brown. If it becomes light-colored, that's a bad sign.

This is how hypochondriacs are made.

I went to the natural food store the other day and bought a bottle of something called silymarin and started taking it. It's an extract of a plant called milk thistle. From what I've read it can't hurt. My wife didn't like the idea -- she wants me to wait until I see the doc -- doesn't want it to change any test results. I sort of thought that was the idea. Guess I could drink a couple of beers before my next test... Hey, if my liver is being damaged, and the test results reflect it, I'd just as soon take the pill. So I'm sneaking it. I'm such a rebel.

It's a clear gelatin capsule with what looks like ground weeds inside. It has a strange mustardy taste. Is it having an effect? Who knows? Except for the taste, it could be alfalfa for all I know. I feel vaguely light-headed after I take it. But, again I'm not sure. Everything's a symptom or a side-effect.

I'm going to be a wreck if I start really feeling something. Nevermind. I suspect that the appropriate word is when not if. And when that time comes, I will long for the days that I could walk a mile.

I have to beat this thing.