The Cohiba

I am not an expert on cigars, but I like them. I've had my share of experience with tobacco from dipping snuff as a teenager (a rite of passage among the ranch kids I hung with) and smoking cigarettes in the Army (at a tax-free thirty-five cents a pack, it was no wonder most GI's smoked). I gave up tobacco in college, although I went back to the weed now and then in the years following. But I hate to cough and I like to run. That's incompatible with cigarettes. And since I don't work outside, the frothy cup of the indoor snuff dipper would be my constant companion and bane. Add to that having kids to set an example for, tobacco was just incompatible with the rest of my life.

Putting tobacco back down after an occasional dalliance has never been a difficult thing for me, so I don't go out of my way to avoid it. When a co-worker who had been out of the country on business handed me a few cigars that he alleged to have come from an island nation with whom my country discourages trade, the allure of forbidden pleasure was too much to pass up. I received the cigars some five years ago and had kept the last one for a special occasion. I guess completing a 48-week course of interferon and ribavirin would qualify. On Christmas afternoon as the rest of the family napped or explored new toys, I found a sunny spot in the back yard and lit up. All I can say is that it's a good thing that the things are a) illegal in my country, and b) priced around $12 each. Absent those two factors and they could become a habit.

Merry Christmas

I'm now just about 96 hours post-treatment. I'm feeling the sides from the interferon, mostly fatigue, but I'm enjoying not feeling the ribavirin "hat" — the pressure that forms across the middle of my forehead and encircles my head. Correction: past tense. I don't feel it anymore! That's a serious improvement.

Saturday, the second day post-shot, we went up to see our friend J and her mom in central Arizona. Whether it's chemical or situational, I was much more engaged and maybe even fun to be with on the 90 minute drive. The kids laughed, although I couldn't tell for sure whether it was at my jokes or at me.

I mentioned last time that J has fought ovarian cancer and that it looks like it's back. She and her mom, "M", take care of a nice little house and make whatever money they can through crafts or doing bookkeeping and billing.

Bluntly, the situation looks bleak over the long run. J has a bit of life insurance that will allow her mother to keep the house. She has no medical insurance and a lot of debt. She divested all of her assets putting them in her mom's name and keeping the debt in hers. Nonetheless, she is feeling good right now and stays in the present. A few weeks ago I talked with her about options and she said that she's not going to go through another six-month round of chemo with a 15% chance of remission — remission here defined as pushing the inevitable back six months. She really can't see the point. She's my age, which has brought reality home to me more than once. If she finally decides not to take the chemo, the cancer will not have beaten her and she will not have given in. She will have taken a hard decision not to be defined by her disease. It looks like we're in for another rough year.

J and her mother's avocation (not to mention distraction) is a prolific tribe of feral cats that has adopted them, and which they feed excessively. They remind me of my grandmother who at one point also had a dozen or more cats hanging around. When we were up there before Thanksgiving last month, M, the mom, commented that she'd spent nearly $70 in November on cat food. With my rural background, I might approach the issue a little differently, but it's not mine to say. I privately wondered how long the situation could sustain itself.

The tipping point arrived a couple of weeks ago. They got a cold snap followed by some snow and the hoard of kittens came down with some kind of respiratory infection. Naturally, the kittens went to the warmest spot they knew when they got really sick — M and J's patio. And naturally more than a few turned up dead. It took a lot out of J to spend a week burying a kitten or two every day.

When we were up there this week, they had brought three kittens inside and had set up a kitty infirmary in a bathroom. One appeared to have made it last week and they found a home for it. A second was looking very weak on Saturday and died the night we left. Then there's the third.

Guess who has a new kitten.

My oldest daughter's cat is now sixteen and starting to fade. She's doing pretty well, but the arthritis in her hips is getting worse. My younger daughter got a kitten for her birthday this past summer (three guesses from whom). We got a fair amount of not-so-subtle pressure to take the new one. Alright, alright, whatever. I choose my battles judiciously. Sometimes an appeal to common sense, reason, and practicality is more trouble than it's worth in the long run. We won't have three cats for very long. Needless to say, the kitten is very cute — a calico with a brown patch over one eye and a butterscotch patch over the other — and a fighter. When the dog comes to visit she growls and hisses and doesn't back down for a second. Mother Nature's system is brutal, but it does find the fighters.

Christmas Eve

Several years ago we fell out of the tradition of Christmas Dinner. The time leading up to Christmas is too crazy and Wife didn't want to spend Christmas cooking. We now instead have our big dinner on Christmas Eve. A couple of years ago we made a standing rib roast. It turned out really good that year. We hadn't done it in a while, but this year Wife found one at a good price. I think it's going to become a regular tradition. Wife still had some wrapping to do, and I told her I'd take care of dinner. I spent a couple of hours in the kitchen on my feet. No way I'd have been able to do that last month, or even last week. I enjoyed cooking it and it made Wife so happy that it's probably worth my time to plan a repeat performance. Maybe a New Year's ham and black-eyed peas next week.

It's done!

Last night I injected the last of 48 Pegasys syringes. A call to the doc the previous day yielded orders to stop everything after that last jab. No more ribavirin, no more Procrit, no Neupogen. Still got 3 Neups left in the fridge, but I took the last Procrit the day before. Tonight my cell phone alarm went off to remind me that I'm not taking any ribavirin pills. Cheering from the kids. I'm done with this part. I have a Cohiba cigar that I've been saving for a special occasion. This qualifies, although it will probably make me sick. Just as well. I don't need to get into a cigar habit.

Today feels much like any other post-shot day. Foggy, tired, a little down emotionally, and an incessant, accursed roaring and ringing in my ears. I'm long-used to some ringing, having tinnitus from a lack of ear protection in my immortal youth, but this is getting to be a bother. What's especially annoying is the low-frequency roaring that goes in time with my pulse. But that's okay.... This too shall pass.

We're going up to central Arizona to see friends for Christmas tomorrow. She has ovarian cancer that's come back after six months of brutal chemo and a year of remission. She showed up sick the year before my virus kicked up. Certainly does place things in perspective.

Now starts the wait. I'll go in sometime next week for a viral load test (PCR), and again in June. That's the one that counts.

To all who read this, be well. Be grateful. Be strong. Hold your loved ones close. If you're contemplating treatment or fighting the bug, know that there's an end to it. I may have done harder things than this treatment, but I can't think of one.

A Day At A Time

The AA folks are onto something with that "One Day At A Time" approach. The human psyche really can't can't comprehend the long term. We can make plans and talk about what's going to happen some day down the line, but we're pretty much along for the ride. Not quite like a stick in a river — we can choose which part of the river we will float on to an extent. But in real life, we aren't in charge of much. That brings me to a quote I found on another blog, http://www.hepcboy.com/: "I don’t believe in God but do believe in miracles." I rarely take issue with this extraordinarily bright and combative fighter against HCV. A previous non-responder or relapser, he's on the 72-week plan, which from 47 weeks appears as distant and daunting to me as the summit of Everest.

But I do take issue with that statement about God and miracles. I belive in both, being as how I dont' think you can have one without the other.

Gentle Reader, I'll spare you the apologia, but I do find it necessary to say that I'm a Christian, that I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that he was crucified, died, and rose again. Literally. Whole kit and caboodle. Some stereotypes probably just popped into your head. Most of them are probably wrong. No, I do not think the world was created 6,000 years ago. I'm okay with the idea of evolution and DNA and with the idea of Adam and Eve being of a mythic (folkloric) origin. I could even make a case for homosexuality as possibly being a biblically valid lifestyle choice. But I won't because it's outside of my purpose here and I don't have a dog in that hunt. I hate abortion (I've seen three children in utero when they would have been legal abortions, no questions asked). But I don't think there should be an inquest every time a gynecologist does a D&C. Some things, I'm very happy to leave up to God.

The short version of the basis of my belief is that it makes sense for me. If what I believe doesn't make sense for you, then there's little I can say to dissuade you. I come from a Christian tradition that would gladly thump a non-believer or questioner about the head and ears with a bible. But that's not my thing. Nonetheless, I do believe that if God wants you, you can dodge Him all you want and He's still going to get you. My willingness to say something might make a difference, and I'm under orders to say something in this regard. So I say something, and let God do his thing.

What I believe is that people are hard-wired, whether they believe it or not, to worship. If a human chooses not to worship God, then they will, believe it or not, like it or not, worship something else. Western culture is lousy with mis-directed worship. Pick any vice, bad habit, fad, or profession. All of them objects of worship.

What are the consequences of believing or not believing? It isn't my place to say. Will my homosexual friend T. spend eternity in a lake of burning sulphur because of his non-belief? Will I be rewarded for my belief with a pair of wings and a harp? Honestly, I kind of doubt both points, and I'm thankful that it isn't mine to say.

What I do know is that whenever humans have tried to anticipate God, we've been wrong. Abraham was promised descendants "like sands on the seashore." He got what he was promised, but not in the way he expected. So I don't waste a lot of time puzzling out alleged end-times prophesies or imagining eternity. I just want to get through today, sometimes the next five minutes. But people have been tortured and burned at the stake because they didn't follow the dictates of some religious authority. My bet is that those guys were surprised as they entered Eternity.

Which brings us back to what I set out to write about. I've been able to get through this experience because of the grace of God and my own belief that I had help. Others may be strong enough to do it without God. Hat's off to them. I wouldn't have been able to make it. In short, I've found my life better with God than without, and during this trial, God has given me the chance to depend on Him. I think that He's active in my life in ways that I little suspect. As my dad said upon learning that he had cancer, "News like that will make you look at your hole card." I have taken a hard look at all my cards this past year. Grace is what got me through it. Someday soon I will run down the little synchronicities that got me here. As a Christian, I know where they came from.

But that's all I have to say to that for now.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

And then there was one...

There's one Pegasys syringe sitting in the fridge. I injected Number Forty-seven Friday night. Sides are hitting hard. I feel like the stuff is just grinding me down. I'm thankful that this is the end of it. The 72-week program has to be brutal. I took my shot and went to bed last night about 11:30. I didn't get out of bed until 9:30, but eventually crashed again. After a while I figured out that I had a low-grade fever. I've been pretty much worthless all day.

We had a bunch of friends over Friday night (before I took my meds, of course). My wife's talent is project manageent. I've never seen a party that was so easy to put together or clean up after. She made a big pot of chili, put out some paper plates and plastic flatware, scattered some tables around with raw veggies and condiments, and we had a sit-down dinner for 25 people — five families, a dozen kids ages 6 to 18.

As the new year comes along I'll be starting a new project at church. I have an ulterior motive — it's to keep me going to the gym. Our church is about a half-mile away from the gym I go to. Like many churches, ours has activities on Wednesday night. Until I started this viral adventure, I would take the kids and then go over to the gym for an hour. Starting at the first of the year, I'll be leading a class at church. We'll meet at the church, read something Inspirational, and then walk, bicycle, run or skateboard over to the gym. There's a Starbucks next door, so some people might go over there. I don't care — my purpose is not to sell gym memberships. The walk alone would do some of our folks some good. Gluttony is a sin that many Christians fall prey to. I'm far too proud to fall for that one.

And then there were two...

I started this post last week and never got back to it. There are two Pegasys syringes in the garage fridge. Tomorrow there will be one. At this late date, you'd think I knew all about all the sides. No such luck. I'm finding new ones! My sleep pattern has gotten completely jacked around. I'm up too late — usually in front of this thing — and I'm having a terrible time getting up in the morning. I have a 6:30 AM call that I really should be on, but I only make it about one day a week. Night before last I looked at the clock at 1:30, 2:00, and 3:00, and made a point of not looking when it was probably 4:00. I'm getting that restless leg thing. I'm taking the anti-depressant Elavil (amitriptyline) which stopped the twitches in the first month. Doc has since upped the dosage from 10 to 25 miligrams after I told him that it didn't seem to be doing anything. I'm tempted to bump it again. On the other hand, this is almost a thing of the past.

I'm also feeling the psychological effects. It takes less and less to get the tears flowing — not really my ordinary state. My friend Bob says I should plan on that staying. I'm also crabby. I don't like that if only because it's rude. I hope that goes away.

Eldest Daughter's vocal ensemble concert was tonight. She's 18 and still talking about going to college in Iowa of all places. That child wouldn't last a month there. She puts on a sweater if it's 70°F (21°C). I talked with another dad at church whose daughter is already there. "Then they pull out that God thing," he says. My daughter: "I really think God is telling me to go!" Uh-huh. One year at this little college is the price of four-years at a state school.

The other dad said, "I'm good with that God thing too, but He put this thing between the bones of your head!" I told her that if God wants her in Iowa, He'll make a way for her to fund it.

Forty-five down, three to go

Opened the last box of four syringes last night. Getting close! I'm ready for this to be done. I'm not feeling terribly bad; I can't point to something and say, "It hurts here." But I'm just wiped. I'm sleeping a lot, but sometimes stay up too late. Sides are coming on stronger, especially the Sunday afternoon/Monday morning. Speaking of staying up late, I've been surfing too many other blogs (Hi, UC).

Speaking of sides, the cognitive effects are hitting hard the past few weeks and seem to be worst on Monday. That's bad, because work is truly nuts. All the issues I've been telling the project management about are coming true. Remarkably, they're doing exactly what I recommended (although they never listened to me long enough to hear my recommendations).

My wife has taken the month of December off work. She applied for a leave of absence under the Family Medical Leave Act. Ostensibly it's to take care of me (which is true enough) but it's also to giver her an emotional break. She's considering changing jobs because things have been crazy for her as well. Suddenly when she started making noises about leaving her little 30 hour a week part-time job, everyone is sitting around her with notepads and chart paper.

To bed. Lots of stuff going on tomorrow.